I Inhaled the Snack Mix. My Eating Felt Out of Control.

A few days ago, I arrived home early in the evening feeling absolutely ravenous. 

Due to an unexpected delay that afternoon, I wasn't able to eat lunch and my body was screaming for food.

I spotted a container of snack mix my mom and I had recently made on the kitchen counter and thought I’d eat a few handfuls to tide me over until dinner was ready.

Well, one handful quickly turned into multiple handfuls. 

I could not stop eating it. 

In fact, I was shoveling it into my mouth.

My eating felt frenzied, primal, animalistic. 

It felt out of control in a way it hadn’t in a very long time.

Unable to focus on preparing dinner or anything else, like unpacking my bags or changing into my comfy clothes, I hovered over the container as if I was tethered to it and ate as if I would never have access to food again.

Out of Control
In my dieting days, episodes like this happened frequently and I’d chastise myself for being out of control with my eating. 

My diet mentality would have convinced me that I lacked willpower and discipline, that I couldn’t be trusted to have snack mix in the house, that I should just throw the rest away and never make it again.

My internal Food Police would have berated me, telling me how bad I was for eating so much snack mix and that I needed to make up for it by skipping dinner and working out longer the next morning.

Thankfully, this isn’t what happened.

In Survival Mode
I compassionately understood in that moment that I was inhaling the snack mix because my body was trying to get its nourishment needs met.

My ravenous hunger had put me in survival mode. 

In an attempt to keep me alive, my very wise brain was telling me I needed to eat as much as possible as fast as possible. 

Although it felt like it, I wasn’t acting out of control. I was experiencing a natural human response to extreme hunger.

Since I stopped intentionally restricting my food years ago, I rarely get to the point of ravenous hunger these days thus rarely find myself in situations like these. 

Usually, I plan ahead to ensure my body is fully nourished on a regular basis. But sometimes life gets in the way and I’m unable to eat when I need to.

Although it would’ve been more enjoyable to savor the snack mix at a leisurely pace, I’m grateful it was there to quickly satisfy my body’s needs. 

I'm also grateful I was able to just eat it and move on without feeling any guilt, shame, remorse or other unhelpful thoughts and feelings. To me, this is true food freedom.

Does Your Eating Feel Off-Kilter?

On the day the coronavirus shelter-in-place mandate was announced for San Francisco, I couldn’t remember eating my lunch.

I looked down at my plate and saw crumbs but no food.

The evidence was clear: I had finished my meal. Yet, I was so anxious and distracted, I didn’t recall eating it.

Over the past few days, I’ve also noticed myself eating faster than usual and stockpiling my favorite bread (my ultimate comfort food).

And, I’ve been frequently craving chocolate-chunk ice cream, chocolate donuts and chocolate-chip cookies—all foods that remind me of the ease and simplicity of my childhood.

Has your eating been feeling off-kilter lately, too?

Perhaps it feels scattered, mindless, chaotic or urgent.

Maybe you’re reaching for foods you typically don’t go for. Or eating at odd times for you or eating more than you usually do.

Whether driven by fear, anxiety, stress, sadness, loneliness or boredom, your emotional eating may feel like it’s in overdrive right now.

If this is your experience, please know IT’S COMPLETELY OKAY.

There is nothing wrong with you or with your eating.

A Wise Coping Strategy
There are always very valid reasons why we do what we do when it comes to food.

Using food to navigate difficult emotions is completely understandable and a much-needed coping mechanism during times of distress.

Diet culture has conditioned us to view emotional eating as a bad thing, as a sign of weakness, a lack of willpower, something we must hide, fix or make up for.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s actually a very wise strategy in that the act of eating can be very grounding, soothing and relaxing. It helps calm your nervous system.

It also provides refuge, a safe and secure place to go to when you’re feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to turn or what to do.

Self-Compassion is Key
Rather than feeling like your eating is out of control, beating yourself up for eating “badly” and nose-diving into a shame spiral, which is highly likely if you have a history of dieting and food restriction, I encourage you to practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that emotional eating is a form of self-care.

It’s an easy way to meet your needs, a way to soothe, comfort and take care of yourself when life is hard.

And, with all the uncertainty, disruption and loss right now, life is really, really hard.

So, please, take care of yourself however you can.

Pause and Check In
You might find it helpful to pause and check in with yourself throughout the day. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? What do I need?

Consider what would feel the most nourishing, comforting, calming and grounding.

Maybe it is eating a bowl of ice cream or bag of chips.

Maybe it’s baking cookies, walking in the park, escaping into a book, listening to the birds, cooking a pot of soup, napping in the sunshine, or finding a quiet spot to pray or meditate.

Maybe it’s a combination of things.

Whatever it is, trust it’s exactly what you need.

If you're struggling and would like support, please feel free to reach out. Thankfully, I'm still able to support my clients via video during this challenging time.

I Finished Off the Cake to Save Myself from Eating Badly Tomorrow

I stared at the remaining chocolate cake on the plate.

Although I was full and no longer getting much pleasure from it, I finished it off.

My rationale for doing so was basically:

Let me just get this over with so I can go back to being good tomorrow.

Have you ever had an experience like this, dear reader?

I used to do it all the time with all kinds of foods I considered “bad,” from cake, cookies and chips to pizza, pastries and ice cream.

In my mind, if I got rid of the “bad” food by eating it (throwing it away felt wasteful), then I’d have a better chance of getting back on track the next day.

Calmed My Anxiety
Driven by a deeply entrenched diet mentality, every night I would judge my day of eating as either good or bad.

Knowing a “bad” food wouldn’t be in my house to tempt me tomorrow helped calm my anxiety about having another bad day of eating, especially if I felt I had been on a streak of bad eating days.

It felt reassuring to know I would be able to go to bed tomorrow and feel good about my eating and, ultimately, myself.

Finishing off food for this reason was never an enjoyable eating experience.

Rather, it was my way of saving my future self from negative feelings about myself.

Although I couldn’t see it then, this “looking out for myself” was actually a form of self-protection. I was simply trying to take care of myself.

Eat and Move On
My need to polish off a food so I could start fresh the next day diminished when I challenged my diet mentality and stopped labeling food and my eating as good or bad.

By making all foods morally and emotionally equivalent, I no longer feel compelled to eat something just to get rid of it so I can feel more in control and better about myself the next day.

It’s now easy to wrap up whatever’s remaining to enjoy later because I stopped putting conditions on my eating and don’t feel guilty about eating anything at any time.

This doesn’t mean I never finish something off and reach a point of uncomfortable fullness. I absolutely do!

Sometimes, I’ll make a conscious decision to eat all of the cake or the pizza or the ice cream even though I’m full simply because I’m really enjoying it—not because I’m scared of it.

My intentions have changed and my eating is no longer a big deal. Now, I just eat and move on.

If my “eat it all now to get rid of it” story sounds all too familiar, please know it is possible for you to have a more relaxed, neutral and peaceful relationship with food, too.

I don't have any magical powers. If I can do it, so can you.