We're Taught to Hate Our Bodies. Unlearning Body Shame.

How would you describe your relationship with your body?

When I'm working with a client, we explore the various factors that have negatively impacted their relationship with their body since they were young, like my obsession with this movie.

What comes up for you when you reflect on the forces that have shaped your relationship with your body? What harmful messages or narratives have you internalized?

Like my clients, I invite you to consider that you didn’t come into this world hating your body but rather were taught to have an adversarial relationship with it. 

A Crappy Inheritance
In her book The Body Is Not An Apology, Sonya Renee Taylor elaborates on our indoctrinated body shame:

“We did not start life in a negative partnership with our bodies. I have never seen a toddler lament the size of their thighs, the squishiness of their bellies. Children do not arrive here ashamed of their race, gender, age, or disabilities. 

Babies love their bodies! Each discovery they encounter is freaking awesome. Have you ever seen an infant realize they have feet? Talk about wonder! That is what an unobstructed relationship with our bodies looks like. 

You were an infant once, which means there was a time when you thought your body was freaking awesome too. 

Connecting to that memory may feel as distant as the furthest star. It may not be a memory you can access at all, but just knowing that there was a point in your history when you once loved your body can be a reminder that body shame is a fantastically crappy inheritance. We didn’t give it to ourselves, and we are not obligated to keep it.”

Transformation is Possible
What’s it like to consider that you once viewed your body with delight and wonder—and that it’s not your fault if you no longer do? 

We live in a world that teaches us to see our bodies as flawed. This makes it really tough to have a positive relationship with your body, however, you don’t have to settle for a crappy one. 

If you desire to have a better relationship with your body, perhaps one that feels peaceful, loving, tender, compassionate, respectful, celebratory, liberatory or just neutral, I encourage you to trust that it is possible.

So, where to start? Some first steps could include reading material like The Body Is Not An Apology, Reclaiming Body Trust, More Than A Body and Burnt Toast.

I also recommend joining safe like-minded communities, like the one Burnt Toast offers, and being more intentional with the messaging you consume, including moving away from body-shaming content on social media, TV, podcasts, etc.

If you’re like me and many of my clients, you’ll find that transforming your relationship with your body is an ongoing process, one that includes a lot of ups and downs and learning and unlearning. 

For most of us, it’s not a fast, easy or linear journey with a final destination. But it’s a very worthwhile one, especially when you consider the alternative as Taylor describes:

“Hating your body is like finding a person you despise and then choosing to spend the rest of your life with them while loathing every moment of the partnership.”

Everybody deserves to have the wonder-filled, shame-free relationship with their body that they came into the world with—including you. Don’t settle for anything less.

How I Stopped My Negative Body Talk

Many years ago, while getting dressed to go on a hike, I caught my reflection in the mirror and was, once again, unhappy with what I saw. My negative body talk was off and running, completely consuming my thoughts as I drove to one of my favorite trails.

My plan to enjoy a lovely day of hiking along the coast became tainted by the relentless voice in my head telling me that my body was a problem that needed to be fixed.

Completely Fed Up
While I had struggled with negative thoughts about my body for decades, this time I hit the tipping point.

I could not go on this way.

I was completely fed up with hating my body.

I was done wasting so much of my life at war with my body and decided, once and for all, to do something about it.

And for the first time ever, doing something didn’t mean changing my body. It meant changing my relationship with it.

No More Body Bashing
One of the first steps I took was changing my internal body talk.

When I stepped out of the shower, instead of dodging my reflection in the bathroom mirror and running for cover under a towel to avoid a distressing body-bashing session, I opened the shower curtain and faced my reflection head-on.

I practiced gazing at my body without ruthlessly picking it apart, without zooming in on my perceived flaws, without judging and agonizing over what I had been conditioned to believe was wrong.

Instead of thinking “My stomach is disgusting” or “I hate my thighs,” I simply thought “This is my body.”

I didn’t try to make the leap from body loathing to body love, from body negativity to body positivity. Nor did I force myself to say positive affirmations. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things; they just felt very inaccessible and insincere for where I was at.

Instead, I focused on what felt attainable. I aimed for a neutral place to land.

“This is my body” felt about as neutral as I could get.

I still often didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, but unconditional body acceptance wasn’t my initial goal. Ending my negative body talk—and the downward shame spiral it triggered—was.

By swapping negativity with neutrality, I no longer got swept away by my critical thoughts. I was able to stop focusing and fixating on my body and just move on with my day.

One of Many Steps
Of course, changing my body talk didn’t come quickly or easily. And it was just one of many challenging and necessary steps I needed to take to make peace with my body and embrace our inherent body diversity.

Certainly, divesting from diet culture and uprooting my anti-fat bias were absolutely essential, major steps.

And while I refer to all these actions as steps, they are really ongoing practices that enable me to be as resilient and inclusive as possible in a world that’s constantly lying to us about what our bodies are supposed to look like to be considered acceptable, healthy, worthy and valuable.

Neutralizing my internal body talk was a starting place for me. Perhaps it can be for you, too.

What I Do When I'm Not Digging the Skin I'm In

Even though I’ve been on my body acceptance journey for many years now, I still have days when I’m not digging the skin I’m in.

In the past, a challenging body day would easily turn into weeks, if not months. Like a dark cloud, it would loom over me contaminating my every action and interaction.

I’d hide from the world. Push away my partner. And go into fix-it mode—that is, create a plan for changing my body.

Inevitably, my plans always backfired. They weren’t sustainable or pleasurable. They led to rollercoaster weight fluctuations and a disordered relationship with food and exercise. And they only made me loathe my body more.

My Most Powerful Tool
These days, I have an extensive tool kit for navigating a challenging body day with greater ease, from doubling down on weight-neutral self-care to observing my thoughts without getting hooked by them.

One of my most powerful tools is remembering that I came into this world loving my body and that I was taught—without my consent—to see it as flawed (and fixable!) by our pervasive diet culture.

As writer and activist Lindy West says:

“Fight to remember that you are living inside of a cruel, toxic system, and when you hate yourself for gaining five pounds it’s because a billion-dollar industry conditioned you to feel that way for profit.”

Reclaiming My Power
When negative feelings toward my body creep in, I remind myself that I can reclaim my power by understanding that my body is neutral and the only reason I feel bad about it is because I have been programmed to do so from a very young age.

I no longer blame myself for failing to shrink myself. Instead, I blame the systems of oppression that want me to believe my body is a problem to solve.

I now give the middle finger to our insidious diet culture that relentlessly tries to convince me that if I just played my cards right, I’d finally have a flat stomach, cellulite-free thighs and a small, perky butt—and thus finally be worthy, acceptable, happy and healthy.

I no longer stand for this oppressive BS.

I see clearly now that it’s our weight-stigmatizing culture that needs to change, not my body—or yours.

*I highly recommend checking out Lindy West's show, Shrill, the Hulu comedy adapted from her memoir. It's about a struggling young journalist, played by the fabulous Aidy Bryant, who is determined to change her life without changing her body.